Posted in Personal Journal Blog

Finding My Voice Again


The Body Remembers, Even When It Resists

The pipes are rusty, the windbag is saggy, and the face doesn’t vibrate the way it used to. I have to touch tone points on my face to nail the pitch and circle my arm over my head to make the high tone flow out. I punch low with my fists to get some grit and punch and sway my hips back and forth, trying to keep from tensing up.

I breathe to the bottom of my diaphragm like a baby and control the air as it comes out with inarticulate words that trip over my now uncoordinated tongue. My throat feels like there is a pillow in it, and I want to just rip my thyroid out.

Warming Up an Old Instrument

I’ve warmed up with mmmmmm’s and hmmmmm’s and buzzing lip arpeggios, pops, and mē, meh, ma, mō, mooooooo, and I couldn’t be any warmer unless you put me in the oven. My throat is scratchy and I want to drink a gallon of warm olive oil just so I can get through one song with the smooth masterful tone of years gone by.

Proof That Time Doesn’t Kill Talent

This is not impossible. I know I can get it back. I saw Tony Bennett croon like the man until the day he died with power and finesse. Stevie Wonder is 74 and still a musical genius. He plays and sings like a 30-year-old. Ann Wilson is still killing it at 75. She is a barracuda.

Ann Wilson performs at the Great American Music Hall in San Francisco in 2022.
Photo: Steve Jennings/WireImage

Fear, Image, and the Long Pause

I know I put away my instrument for a while. Uni gave me severe stage fright that I had never experienced before, but I don’t want to be held down by that anymore. My fear of getting on stage and not looking like a slim sleek sexy singer has to go. I am old and fat! I get it. My weight and appearance is a stupid reason to hide away the gift God gave me. I should just say fuck everyone who doesn’t like my look and sing as if no one is looking or listening.

Daily Practice and Looking Ahead

So I’m doing my 30 minutes a day of singing and now I’m on my 30 minutes of writing, so I’m documenting the progress so that a month from now I can look back and say whahhhhh, laaa, laaaa, laaaa, laaaa I’m back bitches!

In a month from now, I want to start going to karaoke with Molly twice a month, singing in front of people, not in a private karaoke room. I hope to help my brother with a musical project he and his band are working on, and I want to jettison the rest of my talent before my star burns out forever.

Staying on Stage Anyway

I don’t know how to overcome my fear of stepping back on stage. Maybe I need to just keep getting on stage and stay there, even if I hear skinny bitches commenting on my looks in the front row. The world is judgy, and people are mean. I have let those whispers make me feel inferior and keep me down. I have buried my talent in fear, and I hope those days are over. I’m determined to find my voice, courage and get my groove back.

Photo by Suvan Chowdhury on Pexels.com
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Author:

I have had a wonderfully colorful life, rich with varied experiences. My ability as a singer and career as an administrative assistant/marketing communications manager; have presented me with a wide range of opportunities. I have been fortunate to work with and learn from some accomplished and intelligent business owners, executives and artists. I have explored the world, markets and non-profits I would have never dreamed of exploring. I started out performing in community theater then professionally in night clubs and working as a studio vocalist at the age of 12 in Naples Florida, my home town. My vocal studies began at the age of 8 with my mother who gave me my first vocal lessons. I have had the opportunity to learn with some talented vocal coaches since those lessons with my mother. With them I developed the ability to sing Classical, Jazz and Pop; which allowed me to make a living in the music industry for over 30 years, in America, Europe and NZ. I became proficient in handling the business end of performing and teaching and developed administrative skills that would be used more prominently later on in my life, which I cover further down in this piece. I managed all my own performance bookings and began promoting myself as an up and coming singer, beating the pavement in Nashville TN and learned how to sell my talents in a place where everyone and their mother can sing. Performing in front of large audiences has forced me to be more than skilled at holding my own. I have also been a studio singer and voice over artist, taught choir and private lessons and was the president of a local non-profit music school in NZ for 3 years. Once my husband and I began a family, my career focus shifted more to assisting others in their businesses, along with marketing and often selling their products. I took on the roles of Sales, Marketing Communications and Administrative Assistant full time. Environments where I have worked in these capacities have varied. The most joy I find in my career is having the ability to tap into my creative side where I have been encouraged to indulge in my love for creative and copy writing, both personally and for professionally. I worked in our own residential and commercial playground company and for a Website development/social media management company and cherished watching the birth of our new products become known to the public and seeing our client base grow. I have developed the skill for marketing and promoting products and services through the written word, but I am also a strong and persuasive sales person face to face. We moved from NZ where we had been for 12 yrs, back to Naples Florida in 2015. I took the position as the Administrative Assistant to the Pastor, at the church I grew up in. In my position there I used every skilled I had acquired over my lifetime, from administrative to performing as a vocalist/worship leader. I am a passionate employee and business woman and find it easy to fully immerse myself in my work while still finding joy in the day to day, what I do and the people in my life. My passions are still singing, promoting, creative writing, encouraging others to pursue their dreams while achieve their goals and being outdoors. I love my hometown of Naples and take advantage of all the beauty and outdoor opportunities it has to offer on a regular basis. Being an active person I work best when on the move and busy, socializing and intellectually stimulated. I also thrive in a situation where I have the opportunity to continue learning new skills. I work on being the best version of myself and strive to give it my best shot every day.

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