hope – Jeri's Brain Dump

I’ve been thinking about addiction a lot today – whether it’s to food, alcohol, smoking, adrenaline, or shopping. It’s controlling, life-sucking and maddening. There is a kind of guilt that feeds addiction and you get caught in a loop. In the depths of your addiction you can be plunged into a pool of sadness and the only way to climb out of it is to indulge again.

The addictive act feels good. You get a high from it that’s euphoric. You feel excitement and it all feels fun. Letting go, forgetting the world and responsibility, makes you feel light and alive. You get a buzz out of the wave you’re riding until you black out, step on the scale and see that you are gaining again, look in the mirror and see the ruddy grey of your skin seeped in smoke. You’ve spent beyond your means and 20 pairs of jeans will never be enough. You look good but can’t pay your rent or buy food because you just had to have it — you deserve it! You injure yourself on dangerous climbs, or get pulled out to sea because you have to catch that ultimate ride. You’re wired for it, all of it, and the cycle plays over and over and over.

Addiction can keep you away from the life you want. You can see it just on the horizon and you head towards it but have to stop along the way to feed your addictive behaviour — realising the sun may set before you reach your full potential. You find it easier to sit in your regret and cling to unhealthy habits than to change and fight to keep your dream alive.

Addiction comes in all shapes, sizes and levels of severity. It is progressive though you jump from voluntary pleasure-seeking to uncontrollable compulsion. You crave the intense stimulation until you become out of control and for some reach oblivion.

You can overcome it, hope is not lost. There are therapies, medications and 12-step programs. I am familiar with these as they have played a role in my life as I have grown over the years. I have gained strength and wisdom in finding a higher power and leaning on community. I have seen family members regain their lives and find a higher power and healthy purpose. There have been people I have lost to addiction and those I love who are still battling. Sometimes I feel like I am battling. We are all battling something. Life is not a fairy tale and anything worth having takes time and discipline to obtain.

Keep your chin up, reach out to someone, don’t isolate. Give love and be open to receiving it. Be intentional about changing and breaking unhealthy habits. Be honest about where you are and where you want to be. Seek support, you are not alone. No one wears their ugly bits on their sleeve, but after a while, it shows in their eyes, on their face, and in their voice. Everyone is going through something; we all need someone. We all want the same thing, peace of mind, connection, an easy life without worry, pain or loneliness. It’s there, you just have to dig deep, and it will surface. Have courage and speak up. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you practice religion?

I used to believe in the bricks and mortar church, it’s leader and the community. I basked in the Sunday smiles and charity work being done and I felt I was where I was meant to be. I was working towards and living my divine purpose as I had learned to. I followed my heart and Gods discerning confirmations through the words of those around me and after a great deal of prayer to be surrounded daily by people of faith, I was granted a position as the Administrator to the Pastor and of the church that I grew up in. A place where my mother and brothers ashes lay.

I led with a compassionate heart and worked tirelessly. I observed for three and a half years the inner workings of that church and found that I didn’t like seeing the man behind the curtain. I watched deceit, pain, loss, prideful leadership, a pastor scratching to get out of a hole they had dug for themselves, and faithful community servants and staff run off as if their lives, contributions to the congregation and their children, and gifts meant nothing. The light that surrounded me was being snuffed out and as my heart broke, with great pain, I resigned.

I pray in earnest daily and nightly. I talk to God as if he is a friend by my side throughout the hours that pass. I feel a warm spirit around me that has been with me since my first memory. I know my higher power does not hold my love and faith to whether I attend a building full of people. I love everyone, inside the building and out. I try to see others point of view and sometimes I do and I don’t.

My practice of religion is in the words of hope that reside with me and my maker and I pray that my light shines on all those who come into my life. My religion is love, the one true meaning of being. Basking in all there is to love in the world doesn’t mean you are exempt from pain. I have had my fair share. It simply means your heart is soft and you can be open to all the good this world has to offer.

Tag: hope

The Long Way Back to Ourselves

Faith is not religion