life – Jeri's Brain Dump

I’ve been thinking about addiction a lot today – whether it’s to food, alcohol, smoking, adrenaline, or shopping. It’s controlling, life-sucking and maddening. There is a kind of guilt that feeds addiction and you get caught in a loop. In the depths of your addiction you can be plunged into a pool of sadness and the only way to climb out of it is to indulge again.

The addictive act feels good. You get a high from it that’s euphoric. You feel excitement and it all feels fun. Letting go, forgetting the world and responsibility, makes you feel light and alive. You get a buzz out of the wave you’re riding until you black out, step on the scale and see that you are gaining again, look in the mirror and see the ruddy grey of your skin seeped in smoke. You’ve spent beyond your means and 20 pairs of jeans will never be enough. You look good but can’t pay your rent or buy food because you just had to have it — you deserve it! You injure yourself on dangerous climbs, or get pulled out to sea because you have to catch that ultimate ride. You’re wired for it, all of it, and the cycle plays over and over and over.

Addiction can keep you away from the life you want. You can see it just on the horizon and you head towards it but have to stop along the way to feed your addictive behaviour — realising the sun may set before you reach your full potential. You find it easier to sit in your regret and cling to unhealthy habits than to change and fight to keep your dream alive.

Addiction comes in all shapes, sizes and levels of severity. It is progressive though you jump from voluntary pleasure-seeking to uncontrollable compulsion. You crave the intense stimulation until you become out of control and for some reach oblivion.

You can overcome it, hope is not lost. There are therapies, medications and 12-step programs. I am familiar with these as they have played a role in my life as I have grown over the years. I have gained strength and wisdom in finding a higher power and leaning on community. I have seen family members regain their lives and find a higher power and healthy purpose. There have been people I have lost to addiction and those I love who are still battling. Sometimes I feel like I am battling. We are all battling something. Life is not a fairy tale and anything worth having takes time and discipline to obtain.

Keep your chin up, reach out to someone, don’t isolate. Give love and be open to receiving it. Be intentional about changing and breaking unhealthy habits. Be honest about where you are and where you want to be. Seek support, you are not alone. No one wears their ugly bits on their sleeve, but after a while, it shows in their eyes, on their face, and in their voice. Everyone is going through something; we all need someone. We all want the same thing, peace of mind, connection, an easy life without worry, pain or loneliness. It’s there, you just have to dig deep, and it will surface. Have courage and speak up. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Jeri's Brain Dump office and writing tools. A computer and monitor on the desk.

People I’ve seen lately keep asking why I haven’t been posting to Jeri’s Brain Dump. There’s no particular reason except for the fact that I’m somewhat unfocused when it comes to all of the creative things I want to accomplish in my life. I work 40 hours a week at a job that can at times be pretty mentally taxing so when I get home I just want to walk on the beach with my man and the dogs, make dinner and watch a movie.

The fact is, we have now watched all of the movies. So I thought maybe it’s time to read a book. Our girl gave me a book to read months ago, and I haven’t even opened it. She keeps threatening to take it back, and I keep promising her I’ll start it.

I miss creative Jeri and am board with SEO Jeri. There’s not much the average bear understands when I talk about my job. In fact my husband cringes when I start explaining to people what I do, so I only indulge them when they are truely and in his opinion oddly curious. Not his cup tea, obviously.

I miss singing, playing the piano, and doing this…(writing). I was writing my brain dump just for me during COVID. There weren’t many people to talk to so like everyone else I penned, typed and recorded my words and pushed them out into the void hoping they would touch someone. I needed to get all of the racing thoughts out of my head so I could sleep at night and if there was an opportunity to get out of the house I definately wrote about it. We weren’t sure how long those quiet still days would last.

The thought of people actually reading my stories and finding them entertaining never really occurred to me, in spite of the analytics showing that my words were touching readers in Ireland, Italy, China, India, America, New Zealand, Australia, and beyond.

So I have devised a plan to create daily. I will sing for 30 minutes, write for 30 minutes and play the piano for (yeah you guessed it) 30 minutes, daily! Oh, and I will read for 30 minutes. This is not a new year’s resolution this is a promise to my creative self. A way to drive me to use my mind and gifts before they are gone. Let’s face it I am NOT getting any younger. I am freakin old and getting older by the minute.

The book I started in COVID is a quarter of the way done and I need to finish it!!! My father in law said, “why do you feel like you need to tell people your story?” and I said, “why does anyone need to tell there story? It might enlighten someone. All of the crazy things that have occurred on my life might help someone make sense of theirs.”

I have no idea how I’m going to piece together all of the random chapters I’ve written or how I will make sense of my life in the hundreds of notes I have jotted down but if Britney Spears can do It I’m sure I can! I’m sure the “woman in me” is just as organised and strategic as the woman in her.

And that is my first creative 30 minutes for today. Watch this space.

Tag: life

The Long Way Back to Ourselves

Thirty Minutes at a Time: Reclaiming My Creative Life